Hope and Meltdowns

Maybe I am delirious from clear liquids, but I am getting so excited about my new life! This liquid diet stage shall pass, and soon I will be doing the things I used to love to do when I was in my teens and early twenties, that I have not been able to do in my 30's due to my excess weight. I want to do so many things...snow ski, water ski, body surf at the beach, hike, river rafting, kayaking, wear cuter clothing, dance without feeling self-conscious, and so so much more!

All of this I want to do with my husband, who has been such a wonderful supporter of all that I set out to accomplish. I feel bad for the things I cannot do with him. Last winter he was so sad that I could not go snow skiing with him, and that is when it hit me hard that I cannot continue on this self-destructive path of dieting, losing, not losing, getting discouraged, giving up, and re-gaining. I am 37 years old and not getting any younger, and I am affecting his life too. It must be hard for him to sit by and watch his wife not living the life that she could be with him. I know everyone says that to lose weight one needs to do it for oneself, and I am, but there is something to be said for doing it for the special people in one's life as well.

I work 12 hour shifts, and at the end of my shifts I am exhausted and feel much older than my age. I want to work and feel tired from just the work, and not the excess weight I carry. I want to be a positive example for my patients. There are only positives to getting healthy, and while I sip my clear liquids, and smell my husband's baked potato and steak on the grill, that is what I keep telling myself.

I'm not going to lie, however, that last part is tough, and I may or may not have had a meltdown and good cry when I got home from the grocery store this afternoon! I take it moment by moment, prayer by prayer, and sip by sip at this point.