Ramblings

I am feeling human again. I had my post-op appointment last Monday, and my doctor thought I looked pale, so told me to advance to chopped meats/soft foods for a week, and then start adding regular foods in a week. I was ever so thrilled to advance!!!

I showed him my incisions that I was concerned about being infected, but it turned out that the dermabond was making them look bad. He was going to do an I&D on one of the incisions, but it was fine and did not need it. He took the dermabond off and felt that the tissue underneath looked healthy, and told me to just use bandaids. The stinking bandaids made my skin blister (figures) so I slapped some steri-strips over my incisions and they have been fine. My skin is irritated whenever my clothing rubs up against it, but ugh...it is getting better. I'm such a tender lily. He did say, however, that he wasn't going to use dermabond again.

This morning I had some steel-cut oats (5 grams of protein in one serving!) and added a few (very few) chopped pecans, shredded coconut, and raisins. I also added a little bit of brown sugar and butter and it was awesome. Oh, and a splash of milk! I think I have found my new favorite breakfast.

I am chewing my food until it is pulverized. I am deathly afraid of anything getting stuck. I get a full feeling fairly soon after starting to eat, and eat approximately a cup of food at a time. At a restaurant recently, I was unable to finish my soup, and the waitress was concerned something was wrong with it. I am sure she thought a chubster like me should be able to finish the bowl and lick it clean. Sigh...someday I will be thin and they won't think twice when I am unable to finish my meal. Haha!

So I went to a baby shower this past week, and of course I was fatter than the pregnant woman, but anyhow there was a snap happy photographer there, who ran home and posted pictures on Faceb00k, and tagged me in one very unflattering picture. Why do people do this? Why oh why oh why??? I wanted to strangle her. I asked her to take it down, and she did the next day. I untagged myself and was just so ticked. One of the reasons I hate Faceb00k. I don't know which is better - being blissfully unaware that there are fugly pictures of me on Faceb00k, or knowing about it and demanding they be taken down. People should ask before just willy nilly posting pictures of other people on Faceb00k, especially ugly ones!

Faceb00k is the Devil.

Bring Me a Cheeseburger!!!

I am down one more pound on the scale today. Fully expecting to put pounds back on when I start eating regular food again, but it sure is a nice feeling at this point to at least be reaping the reward of not eating. Lol! I told my husband this morning that there is no way I could ever go on Survivor and last the whole time. I'd be delirious after two days, yelling, "Somebody bring me a cheeseburger!" Heh.

I am feeling pretty weak, especially in the morning. Bleh. I am tired of feeling tired, and I am starting to see why nurses don't make good patients!

I went with my mom to Chili's today, and I got a cup of baked potato soup that they were kind enough to puree for me, so it was basically a creamy liquid. I was only able to eat about 1/4 of it, but it felt good to be out of the house with my mama doing something. After that we went to the movies to see The Switch and it turned out to be a really good movie.

I am looking forward to Autumn. It is my most favorite time of the year. Looking forward to burning fall scented candles, and fitting into a smaller sized wardrobe! Good things to come!!!

Rumbly Tumbly

This morning when I was getting ready, I thought I was going to pass out. I had not yet had anything to drink, so I sat down and drank a glass of grape juice. Maybe my blood sugar was low? I've never had any blood sugar issues, so maybe it was just the lack of nutrients I've been getting. Thank God for Isopure drinks! They don't taste the best, but I think they're helping me feel better, keeping me hydrated, and giving me extra nutrition and of course protein.

Honestly, I know that people go back to work this soon after the surgery, but I would be one raving witch and no one would want me for their nurse, because I need food for my mind to function properly!

My stomach is still rumbly tumbly with gas, and I am hoping that will get better when I start eating. The Gas X strips help a little.

I am walking a little, and doing laundry and other simple house chores. My hubby helps me with any lifting. It is day 5 post op and I've lost 8 lbs. I am down 30 lbs. since the beginning of the year!

I have been so bored since my surgery. It is amazing that most of the things I love to do revolve around food: going out to lunch with friends, meeting up for a frozen yogurt, going to the movies and having popcorn. Even going somewhere like Monterey centered around where to eat! Crazy...I need some new hobbies.

Hope and Meltdowns

Maybe I am delirious from clear liquids, but I am getting so excited about my new life! This liquid diet stage shall pass, and soon I will be doing the things I used to love to do when I was in my teens and early twenties, that I have not been able to do in my 30's due to my excess weight. I want to do so many things...snow ski, water ski, body surf at the beach, hike, river rafting, kayaking, wear cuter clothing, dance without feeling self-conscious, and so so much more!

All of this I want to do with my husband, who has been such a wonderful supporter of all that I set out to accomplish. I feel bad for the things I cannot do with him. Last winter he was so sad that I could not go snow skiing with him, and that is when it hit me hard that I cannot continue on this self-destructive path of dieting, losing, not losing, getting discouraged, giving up, and re-gaining. I am 37 years old and not getting any younger, and I am affecting his life too. It must be hard for him to sit by and watch his wife not living the life that she could be with him. I know everyone says that to lose weight one needs to do it for oneself, and I am, but there is something to be said for doing it for the special people in one's life as well.

I work 12 hour shifts, and at the end of my shifts I am exhausted and feel much older than my age. I want to work and feel tired from just the work, and not the excess weight I carry. I want to be a positive example for my patients. There are only positives to getting healthy, and while I sip my clear liquids, and smell my husband's baked potato and steak on the grill, that is what I keep telling myself.

I'm not going to lie, however, that last part is tough, and I may or may not have had a meltdown and good cry when I got home from the grocery store this afternoon! I take it moment by moment, prayer by prayer, and sip by sip at this point.

A Moment of Silence Please

This morning I woke up feeling really well. My pain and soreness are decreasing, and I'm not really needing the liquid Lortab I was prescribed. I only took one dose yesterday, and that was before bed, but I did take a dose of liquid Tylenol in the afternoon. Be careful when taking medications such as vicodin, lortab, or norco, along with Tylenol/acetaminophen, because along with the hydrocodone (the narcotic), those meds also have Tylenol/acetaminophen. The maximum dose of Tylenol/acetaminophen one should take in a day is 4 grams, or 4000 mg. Too much is bad for your liver!

This morning while getting ready, I started feeling very light-headed, so I wonder if I am a little dehydrated. It is hard to drink and drink and drink, and then run to the bathroom every 10 minutes, but I am forcing myself to get more fluids down. How many days until Friday? My protein shake sounds like a Thanksgiving dinner at this point!

I was telling my husband this morning that being unable to eat right now is like being an alcoholic living in a bar. Food is all around us, isn't it? Not only is it in the fridge and pantry, but it is also on the TV in programs, movies, and commercials. I am learning what a food addict I truly am, and I feel as though I am in mourning. My personal flag is flying at half-staff right now.

Here I am, recovering from surgery, facing a big change in my life, and I cannot eat. My mind is reeling! Alarms and buzzers are going off inside my brain, and warning lights are flashing, because I am not used to coping with a stressful, life-changing situation without turning to food. So I am learning to turn to other sources: God, my husband, family and friends, writing, reading, walking, doing laundry, and basically anything to turn my mind off of the fact that I cannot eat right now. This is going to be a continuous struggle for me, but I know it will get better. It has to get better!

Day 3 Post Op

I am officially at the end of my 3rd day post op gastric lap banding. Thank you Lord, because this liquid diet phase cannot be over too soon.

Broth = Nasty.
Isopure Protein Drinks = Boring.
Popsicles = Sickeningly Sweet.

I want to chew food. I miss chewing food! At this point, I am just looking forward to starting full liquids on Friday.

Honestly, this has been an eye-opener to what a close and dear friend food has been to me. What I eat has consciously and sub-consciously been the center of my universe. More important than, What am I going to do today? has been What am I going to eat today?

So in many ways I am in mourning. I am in mourning for the only way of life I have known for the past 13 years.

Soon, very soon, I will be awakening to a new me, and I will be rejoicing!